Last Call At The Uterine Cafe

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Daylight savings time was pretty much a month ago and I still don’t think I’ve recovered. I’m never happy about loosing an hour of sleep, especially when I’m on my fucking period. When that shit shows up, I need AT LEAST 2 extra hours a day. I nap hardcore. I’m legit a napping pro 2-5 days out of the month. If there was a sleeping Olympics, this bitch right here would win every event. I know…I’m pathetic but I’m ok with it. The entire “time of the month” process takes over my whole existence and I have no choice but to surrender to it. My body wants an animal style In-N-Out burger? It gets it. A snickers dipped in butter pecan ice cream? Yup! That shits happening ASAP. Although that all sounds deliciously heart-attack worthy, the worst part about it all is my attitude. No joke…bitch on a whole nother level.

Women’s health and the obnoxious shit we go through with our periods is just down right wrong. What about starting your period on a plane? Fuck our lives…especially when you’re unprepared. Let’s just say the window seat is not the best seat when Aunt Flow (or whatever you want to call that bitch) decides to show up, pounding on your ovaries like she’s Tommy Lee. I had no tampons, can’t remember the last time I even used a pad, and I was freaking out. I don’t get embarrassed or uncomfortable that easy but the minute my body felt auntie’s appearance, emotions took over and all I could think about was curling in a ball on the plane’s bathroom floor that could only really fit about 1/2 of my body. I’m flying alone on the way to San Francisco with my boss. What the hell am I supposed to do?

“Ummm hi excuse me male flight attendant. Do you happen to have a tampon for a dumb shit women like me who didn’t bring one, knowing she’s about to start her period any day now? Yea, k thanks.”

Mortified. Unprepared and feeling vulnerable. I’m known to always make lists when I travel so I don’t forget anything and you better be damn sure I will ALWAYS add tampons. I don’t care if I just had my period last week and it won’t be coming for another 2, an entire box of compact tampies are in my bag. Ladies, I’m letting you know right now. If you ever travel with me you now know I got yo back with them fem products. Can I get an amen for lessons learned the hard way?